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| hey, my new blog for whoever cares is...
http://beccascrazylife.blogspot.com
leave me some luv hoes 
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| I just got home from church a little bit ago and I'm sitting at the computer drinking my coffee... crying because I just read something that broke my heart... and wishing that there was something that I could do. I'm realizing just how self-centered I really am. I care too much about myself and my own problems to notice when other people are really struggling. I am too absorbed in my own life to even think about why I am living. People are going to hell every day and even though I say that I care my life tells them that I don't really give a damn what happens to them. Yeah, I have problems, but who doesn't? If we all decided to wait until we were really good Christians before we reached others for Christ then evangelism would be non-existent. The closer that we grow to God the MORE we realize what sinful, wretched people that we are. I was thinking about this in church today. Paul was challenging Timothy to reach out to the church. Timothy was known as a young man that loved God. At work, with my family, and with my friends... this isn't my reputation. I am ashamed to tell people that I am a Christian, not because I am ashamed of loving God but because I feel that me calling myself a Christian is a mockery to the Christ who loves me so much. I feel that my reputation will reflect on Christ, and I don't want that. I haven't stood up for what is right. I haven't lived an upright life. I haven't done things that I'm proud of. And now I am no longer worthy to call myself a child of God. It would be such a mockery to Him... Thomas had my idea, lol. I wish that I could move far away to a place where no one knows me and start everything over. Just work and live a wholesome life that I don't have to be ashamed of. A bad reputation is easy to get and hard to get rid of. Jesus, I love You. I sometimes struggle with knowing what all that actually entails but I really do LOVE You. I want to serve You. I want to be YOUR CHILD. I want You to be my Daddy once again..... I want Your love and peace. I want You to wrap Your arms around me and never let go. I want the adventures that You have planned for me.
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| i dont understand all of this. why does life have to be synonymous with pain? why does everything have to hurt so much? why cant i escape?
i dont ask for much. all i desire is to be happy and loved. what did i do that was so wrong that i can never be loved?
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| i hate being used.
i hate having to be sexy and beautiful just so that you will pretend that you love me. you know that i am scared and vulnerable and i need someone to hold me. so you get all that you can from me - you hold me, you kiss me, you tell me how much you care - you get what you can and then you move on. but does a love other than this really exist? no... not really. and if it does, then why is it that every guy i'm with just wants to do me and be done with me?
i spend hours making myself look perfect just for you. i flirt with you. i smile at you. and everything inside of me begs you to love me. it begs you to care more than the last guy. but in a way, i am begging you to use me because while i am being used, i will convince myself that i am being loved.
i need love.
everybody does. i need someone to hold me in their arms. i need to feel protected and safe and happy and content and wanted. and i don't know how else to get love. i can't live without it. so i will spend hours getting ready tomorrow. i will do my makeup perfectly and dress in sexy clothes.... i will laugh and dance and flirt and i will set my eyes on a guy and do my best to make him love me. and he will hold me and kiss me. maybe he will even tell me how much he loves me. if i am lucky, i will see him one or even two more times and then i will be forgotten.
and it sucks. but it's life. and u can't escape it u can only make the best of it. but i wish that there were another way to be loved. i wish that LOVE in the purest sense really did exist.
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| I'm home. In more ways than 1. I sincerely believe that coming home this time will be different than the last. I believe that God has done a work in my family. And I believe that He WANTS to do a work in me, if only I will let Him. I called up some old friends today and really did enjoy talkng. Maybe, just maybe, we can once again be the best friends that we were ...not so long ago. So many people have seen me change from who I was. Some good changes... and a lot of bad ones. And this is who I am right now but I purpose to strive to become who God has made me to be. So please, give me another chance. I can't really find the right words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I am still anxious and restless... but I am also calm. Like at peace. I feel like hiking to the top of a very tall mountain in the cool weather and just feeling the wind on my face and taking it all in. Taking in God.
There's still a lot of things in my life that aren't right. But I think that they will be. I feel torn and scattered across space and time. But I have faith that God will heal and God will renew. I have to believe that.
It is so good to be home... | | |
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